In an unforeseen turn of events last Tuesday, a large group of men dressed only in oversized banana suits came running onto campus and burst through the doors of Founder’s Hall. They immediately seized control of the building and began going through desks, apparently in search of staples.
Public Safety was on the scene almost immediately, but upon realizing they were not actually armed with any real weapons because they are just campus security, fortified around the building. One of the banana-men came through the door and offered to negotiate. He informed the barricaded campus security force how he and the other bananas were representatives of “The Great Stapler Cult”, and were looking to free all the staples in the school. They would agree to leave Founder’s if and only if they were given every staple on campus.
A short discussion was held by SMSU leaders, and it was decided that due to budget cuts, not a single staple could be sparred. The banana man’s offer was refused at high noon.
A demilitarized zone has been formed between the security barricade and Founder’s in preparation for a long conflict. While no one is being let through the DMZ, this reporter managed to get in Founder’s Hall by using my Spur press pass. Upon seeing it in all its glory, the banana men immediately begged to be interviewed.
Their leader, a bearded man who only went by “Mr. Banana,” told me that he was saved by a stapler after being abducted by aliens in 1962. After the stapler threw him off the spaceship, he had a vision from the Great Staple himself saying he must save every staple in the world from the oppression of the students and working class who so commonly abuse them by slamming their heads into stacks of paper.
“I will not rest until we have every staple.” Banana said, “Not only here, but in the world!”
At the time of the Spur’s publication, no new progress has been made on the situation. Make sure to pick up The Spur in two weeks for any updates on the story, as newspapers are by far the fastest way to get your news.
