The first thing you need to do is to choose a girl.  A girl who’s taken.  A girl who’s so gorgeous and wonderful that you simply can’t stand to see her with the guy who doesn’t deserve her.  Oh, right, that’s another necessity.  He has to be bad for her.  A true douchebag.  Maybe he doesn’t listen to her, or get her flowers, or know her eye color.  In that case, proceed.

Next, you need to be for her what he never was.  Be her shoulder to cry on, her therapist, her best friend.  Look into her eyes but quickly glance elsewhere when she looks at you.  Smile uncontrollably when she waves at you.  Try not to stare.  Get her a gift on her birthday.  Ask her questions, tell her jokes.  But keep a respectful distance at all times.  You’re not trying to make a cheater out of anyone.

After that’s done, start being yourself.  Be comfortable with her, be okay with silences and awkward laughs and hanging out just to do homework on opposite ends of the couch.  Let her see your flaws, and let her see all the ways that you’re wonderful and he’s not.

All that’s left is time.  The boyfriend does the rest.  Whenever he says she’s not pretty enough, or too boring, or too much of a prude or too much of a slut or too much of a bitch, it’s another step towards the fulfillment of your goal.  When he sees her slipping away, he’ll hold onto her tighter.  He’ll start asking where she’s been or who she’s texting.  And if he knows about you, he’ll start lashing out.  Be ready for some nasty looks, for rumors to be spread, for friends to be turned against you.  Don’t blame him.  When he says you’ve been sabotaging the relationship with lies and deceit and bribery, keep in mind that he truly believes it all.  In his mind, you are the home wrecker, the psycho stalker, the girlfriend stealer.

Now it’s up to her.  Don’t pressure her.  Tell her to do what she wants, what makes her happy.  If she really wants to be with you, it’ll happen.  If she doesn’t, then give up.  But you’re a good guy.  Much better than him.  Hopefully she sees that.  If she does see it, she’ll break up with him.

Here’s the final step.  Let things fall into place.  Give her time to sort things out before you buy her that rose and think of the cheesiest line you can muster, the cheesier the better.  You make her laugh that way.  If he hits her when she ends things, it is your obligation to kick him in the balls, regardless of the ass-kicking you may or may not receive as a result.  Men do not hit women, and only men deserve working testicles.

Then, when she’s holding an ice pack to your face and apologizing over and over again, then maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to kiss her.