Before spring break, the entire school held its breath as the higher-ups decided the fate of many of its majors. Reporters from the Spur were not allowed to listen in on the discussions, despite our official looking press passes and exaggerated Brooklyn accents, but we managed to locate a few admittedly sketchy photographs online. The authenticity of these has been called into question, as one of them displayed a dart board on the wall of a conference room with all the majors pinned up and a blindfolded man ready to do some cutting.
The budget cuts were not limited to the majors, however. Several other areas of wasteful spending in the school have been trimmed down as well. The new “don’t get sick” health policy has made the nurse’s office obsolete, and the area is now being rented out as a rehearsal space for local bands. The high-quality food at Res Dining might see a slight drop in both flavor and appearance. Aramark has demanded that food prices bought with Flex dollars are to be inflated as well, but that’s okay, because it’s not real money anyway.
One of the most disastrous losses the school is facing is the funding for the Spur. Writers will no longer be paid for articles, editors no longer have a salary, and they’ve even been throwing the idea around of just printing the Spur on the napkins in the dining area. Riots of course broke out from die-hard fans of the school newspaper, but everyone they asked said “it’s about damn time we cut the funding.”
Don’t fret, readers. The Spur will persevere through these troubling times. Of course, since we don’t get paid anymore, all work done on the paper will be on a volunteer basis, and the quality is bound to drop. But that’s great news for this reporter, who just loves breaking the rules of news. My Sugar Beet articles will expand, and consume the Spur, until it’s two or three satirical articles an issue, and then a whole section. In time, there will not be a legitimate article in the Spur. And I will be the king of this chaotic future! Mwahahaha!
