The abortion debate is one of the issues that has truly torn this nation apart politically. The pro-choice and pro-life campaigns fight tooth and nail for their cause, and there doesn’t seem to be any room to compromise.
Until now! Esteemed researcher and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, has revealed a new technology to quell the debates. Abortions will no longer be necessary with this invention, which SENDS YOUR BABIES INTO THE FUTURE!
Have you been burdened with an unwanted pregnancy? Just step into the Brown Stasis (B.S.) Unit. The Doc will flip a few switches, you’ll feel a slight tingle inside your uterus, and poof! The fetus has now been removed from your time stream.
But what does this mean? Are the babies lost forever in the wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey universe? Not at all. When you’ve finally settled down after all that unprotected sex and actually want a baby of your own, just schedule another appointment with the Doctor. Step into the B.S. Unit, and the very same fetus will be zapped right back into you, ready to grow into the world’s cutest little time traveler.
Gone are the days when unprotected sex had consequences. The single-mother-living-in-a-trailer-park-with-seven-kids phenomena will be no more. For those poor, underprivileged people who either can’t afford condoms, or just plain don’t know how to use them or what they are, the future is here for you. No more embarrassing trips to the abortion clinic, past hordes of angry protesters, just a one time trip to Doctor Brown and that little ball of stem cells and potential will be harmlessly hiccupped a few years into the future.
This technology is not without its consequences, however. Every baby zapped through the B.S. Unit must be accounted for at some time in the future. But what happens when you’re married to your husband and yet you’ve got five fetuses from the past just waiting to carry on your old boyfriend’s genes? And what about those people who just don’t claim their babies? Brown is already working on solutions to this problem, creating artificial insemination pods, but he predicts that this technology could produce a boom of time-traveling orphans in the future.
What’s worse, this technology isn’t perfect. A fetus may be lost here or there, drifting through time and space for an eternity. What if those fetuses finally find a host, and are born with a thousand years of experience under their tiny belts and a thirst for vengeance towards those who abandoned them to the stars? We’re surprised that warlords from the future haven’t come back to prevent this technology from ever being developed. Sounds like a bad science-fiction movie.
