Parenting is arguably one of the hardest jobs on the planet. Children can be a real handful, spontaneously generating messes and challenging authority as they see fit. During all this turmoil, the only redeeming thing for the parents is knowing that they are always right. Right?
Wrong!
Picture, if you will, a young child bickering with her parents. She wants to go play at the park with her friends, but the parents don’t trust the friend’s parents because, surprise, they’re drug dealers. Of course, the daughter doesn’t understand the reluctance of her mother and father, and complains that they’re not being fair. The parents then fire off that classic line: “Life’s not fair.”
Yet as it turns out, this rallying cry for parents has been logically proven to be false. After years of performing tests, top scientists are baffled with the results, and finally feel comfortable sharing them with the public.
“Life really is fair,” said William Nye, a well-respected scientist. “This experience that we call life, this process of cells aging and dying, the complex storm of electrical signals raging in the brain, all of it has been proven beyond a doubt to be inherently fair.”
When this incredible news broke, the parenting world was thrown into turmoil. Kids everywhere fought their parents with their newfound knowledge. Take the case of the little girl, for example. As it turns out, her friend’s parents were drug dealers. Or, as they are more commonly called, Pharmacists. The child’s inherent sense of what is fair was more reliable than the rumor mill that the mother clearly takes as gospel. The case will be taken to court later this month.
How is this possible? After all, there are starving children in Africa who would disagree with the assertion that life is fair. William Nye had an explanation for that as well.
“As it turns out, the world has an inherent fairness principle built into it, not unlike other forces of physics such as gravity or electro-magnetism. When we see unfairness in the world, it is entirely fabricated. As it turns out, there is more than enough food for everyone in the world. We just can’t be bothered to distribute it correctly. This is comparable to the terrible treatment of children. Whether they know it or not, when a parent claims that life is not fair, he or she is maliciously oppressing that child’s freedom.”
Hundreds of cases are being filed, turning courtrooms into bustling hives of justice. In Hartford, Connecticut, a young boy is suing his father. When the boy was eating his Halloween candy, the father told him he had to stop, because it would cause “cavities.” He even added the tagline “Life isn’t fair” to boot. But the awful truth came out that night. The father was raiding his son’s stash of sweets in the dead of night.
Another tragic abuse was unveiled in Houlton, Wisconsin. A child was denied his allowance because of “failure to complete chores.” After a thorough investigation, the private detective hired by the child discovered that the parent was actually using the child’s withheld allowance to buy coffee, office supplies, and other grown-up things. Both parents will be serving five to ten years in the Houlton Prison, and custody of the child will be transferred to the cool uncle.
The rain of tyranny is finally coming to an end. With legal precedents for bedtimes, sugar consumption, and video game time, we are experiencing a new era of child freedom. Hopefully the rest of the world will soon follow, as they realize that life is, in fact, fair.
