SMSU controls weather and tries to delay graduation

Several months back, The Kale introduced the SMSU community to the Toddler to Adult Center for New Graduates—or T.A.C.N.G. for short. Recent research shows that, along with the change to the title of the facility, SMSU has updated some if its policies regarding this new resource.

For those who are not familiar with T.A.C.N.G. (pronounced ‘tack-ing’), it is located underneath the day care across the street from the main SMSU campus. T.A.C.N.G. aims to help new graduates come to terms with their new adulthood alongside the children who are dropped off at the day care.

The most popular T.A.C.N.G. program is Netflix, Stress, and Do Taxes, which includes remembering that taxes are due the next day and desperately trying to fill out the forms while binge-watching The Office  for the 37th time. Other programs include How to Keep Plants Alive, How to Look Confident Even When You Aren’t, and Winning Those Games at the Local Fair That Might Be Rigged. They also teach the importance of eating vegetables like broccoli and spinach, paying bills and knowing how much perfume or cologne to put on. After their graduation from T.A.C.N.G., these students are ready to take on the world.

But with the recent strange weather making it seem like graduation would never come, The Kale decided to do some digging and see what reactions the T.A.C.N.G. were having, or if they had anything to do with it.

While most of us might expect some snow flurries here and there in the month of April, nobody was expecting that we would be in a blizzard watch for three days. The Kale cannot reveal their research methods or sources, but we have found that SMSU has been controlling the weather in an attempt to possibly delay graduation and prolong the feelings and emotions that soon-to-be graduates are having.

“The more that people feel miserable, the more pessimistic they become. We’ve done some research that shows that being miserable and pessimistic for long enough can revert back to a childlike state,” said the anonymous spokesperson on behalf of SMSU.

“We find that the graduates who are enrolled in T.A.C.N.G. are more likely to get along well with their actual child counterparts and therefore make the children enjoy spending time away from their families. The more time that they spend with us, the more money that we make. The more money we make, the more research we can do into technology that can control the weather. The more that we can control the weather… well, you’re smart enough to see where I’m going with this.”

The Kale has reported this to the Minnesota National Weather Center but they have neither commented on this situation nor proved or disproved that such weather-controlling technology actually exists.